19. Being rubbish at something

is not fun.

I’m currently off running with a pretty nasty injury so have decided to delve deep into the swimming and gym lifestyle. I went for the first time today and oh boy it was hard.

The last time I swam lengths had probably been in highschool. It was awful.

The same could be said about the gym, except that I’ve never done it before.

I felt so conscious that people were looking at me, how my form was off, and that I just wasn’t ‘doing it well’.

Then it occurred to me- I am meant to feel this way.

This uncomfortable feeling isn’t only healthy but is a necessity for me to grow.

If there was no barrier like this when starting activities we’d never have professionals, the talent would seem too easy to achieve and we’d not have journeys or things for us to work on.

Recognising the moments of pain and me being bad I had things to focus on.

I dialed in on the feeling of being rubbish and realised this could be utilised to indicate how I could improve.

For swimming, this was me working on timing my breathing and how long I kept my head underwater. In the gym, it was me needing to slow down and not rush my reps.

Without me being so good, I wouldn’t have noticed these things.

Yet, I recognise I came into this with no expectations nor wanting to pretend to be amazing.

I think you have to leave room for that failure and be in a headspace okay with being rubbish.

I realised with running I’d gotten comfortable being pretty decent.

This equated to me not changing up my routine much, nor listening to indicators as much- hence maybe why I got injured.

Going to Gym today taught me this new perspective.

Just gotta stay consistent, who knows I might even become average!

18. Continuous improvement

I think I have this idea in my head that one day I will reach the pinnacle of my work, hobbies and all areas in my life. I will be an expert.

Yet, it is only recently that I believe my idea on that has changed.

I can’t be aiming for an illusive version of myself that I prefer to the version of me now. This leads to a lack of gratitude for the present and I’ve personally found that I shrug off doing things because I always believe the future version of myself will always be more motivated and excited to do the hard stuff when that is never the case.

The future self won’t achieve any of that unless there is change now, no matter how small.

But that’s hard.

One thing I always used to complain about, and occasionally still do, is that nothing big is happening in my life. But that’s problematic because it’s leaving a condition to an action or behaviour based on external things happening.

Essentially you allow other things/ people to be in control of your life (don’t worry if you feel this way sometimes though we have all been there).

I was saying to myself ‘Oh I’m waiting for this big change to happen in my life to validate my happiness’

How backwards is that?

Yet, it can often make sense. As small tasks don’t seem to make a difference nor even seem to have a point at all.

One of my favourite quotes is by Soren Kierkegaard and it goes like this:

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

Taking this into my every day I’m now working on trying to shift my perspective to celebrate when I stay consistent with things and work for continuous improvement. I then realise upon reflection that these moments of sticking with things was a big deal, especially in tough emotional life situations, yet when presently living out those moments I didn’t recognise it for what it is.

I believe it is in the continuous improvement I’ve found myself being more content. I am focussing more on my process, not having as much anxiety about the future and just keeping my head down towards the goals I have set before me.

It also just simplifies things. You know you have to do and you just do them.

Saying this the idea of continuous improvement vs massive mind-blowing changes isn’t sexy.

Most days you don’t recognise a difference, you don’t see the point, you’re relying on discipline.

Additionally, it usually comes at the sacrifice of something else.

So a key mantra of sorts I drill into myself in times of doubt is:

“Why am I actually doing this?”

The response to this should not be a simple: “oh it’s fun”, “oh I feel like it”, “oh others are doing it”.

Well, maybe it is; but if you reading this you're probably like me and you care a lot more about your true callings than other people’s opinions.

But we all slip up and that’s okay.

The answer is to really get into that ‘Why’ question in a really in-depth way that excites you and fuels you, that is all the motivation you need to counter any anxieties or worries you inevitably will face.

For me, I have this posted up around me on my walls in a very tangible way.

With all of this there is a balance though. Having the ability to recognise the ability to push yourself and that be what you need and also when it is too much.

I personally tread this line quite precariously most of the time.

This is when confiding in people who have similar values and work ethics as you is helpful.

Along the way I've realised the routine of the constant pursuit for gradual slow growth is the fun part and it's less about where you are going.

I just need to stop comparing myself to others and their journeys, it is here the big things happen.

People say that time is the greatest resource, it's actually attention... are you using it well?

17. Forget about your present self

In each of us we have the three versions of ourselves:

1. The past self: the one that remembers things we do

2. The present self: the one that experiences things happening now

3. The future self: the one that anticipates things to come

The version of ourselves that remembers, the past self, lives far longer than the other two. It is a constant throughout our lives.

The present self is always fleeting, it is here for a second and then gone.

The future self is relatively small in the fact of we have a pretty small window of knowledge of the future.

Taking this into account we need to recognise that the past self has infinitely more weight than the others. It literally lives from the time we are born to the time we die. In addition, it compounds over time. More regrets, more memories, more experiences… these all live in this part of ourselves.

We are only hurting ourselves if we don’t prioritise this self, as we will be haunted by our decisions otherwise.

Acknowledging this means that the new mindset we have to adapt is to live for this remembering self instead of seeking instant gratification and pleasing ourselves in the present.

“We pamper the present like a spoiled child, obeying its superficial demands but ignoring its real needs” - Robert Grudin

A simple thing to think of is that you are gifting yourself through the activities you are doing in the present self for the past self.

This doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the present, however, you want to make sure you can look back at those memories stored away and be proud.

The reason people find this so hard is that it is so counter-intuitive and counter-cultural. You want to just do whatever you feel like doing and sometimes this makes our past self happy but for the most part, it doesn’t.

By thinking about the past self we are actually thinking to the future but instead of what if’s we are controlling the narrative. This is often achieved by delayed gratification- things that make you look back and smile often require more work and energy.

Motivate yourself through focussing on how prioritising the past self can actually help all versions of yourself. Know that this ‘harder’ action will please you fully compared to actions that only partially make you happy.

Past decisions you have done give you an undercurrent of confidence and happiness about you in the present as well as direction for your future self.

Contrary to this is where your future self anticipates something amazing, yet the present version of yourself chickens out and stays idle because it feels uncomfortable. The result then is your past self feels miserable. 

We need to flip it around and put the past self first. Life can’t be forgotten or feel like we’ve done nothing.

Practically you can counteract the feeling of doing nothing by adding variety into your life. Someone serving the present self would like to stay at home, a glass of wine, not achieving much. Granted this would be comfortable, yet the past self wouldn’t be so grateful.

We often wonder where the time goes, but we don’t fill it with memories that make us look back proud.

Take the stay-at-home example; it’s something you can easily do and is very forgettable. Instead, you could go to an event or something with people you don’t know. In the present, you may feel nervous but your past self will look back on the situation, whatever the outcome, and be proud because of that variety you put in.

Prioritise the past self, do actions that will make you proud when you look back on them, push your boundaries and create memories. You won’t regret it!