13. Liking the melancholy

Today I had a chat about how I was feeling with a mate of mine. The conversation developed and I revealed that I often find myself feeling I have an undercurrent of melancholy in my life. Never really happy, quite pessimistic, and somewhat detached from those around me.

Yet, when we delved deeper into why I was feeling this way, I began thinking, ‘have I got too comfortable in this current state, do I actually maybe enjoy this?’.

Despite sadness ultimately not being a good thing it is actually pretty good at protecting you.

You are protecting yourself from risk, hurt and going all in.

I reflect upon this now and it makes sense. I beat myself up and remain in this self detrimental mode so then no one else can do that to me.

The failed job interview, the broken friendship, the loneliness… I sometimes think that my baseline is this mood of melancholy. I think that it enables me to avoid the risk of having plummeting mood swings because I’m already a bit pessimistic about situations.

Yet, with this being a constant state there often is a lesser opportunity for risk-taking, giving chances to people, and pushing yourself to your greatest possibilities because you are dragged down in your emotions.

Similarly often it is out of moments of unexpected joy that we get a greater sense of fulfillment. Dulling down both our ability to feel extremely sad and extremely happy is dangerous as it leaves elation and greater senses of happiness a foreign feeling.

But what is a practical step out of it?

I’m still on my journey to stop feeling in this state but I think a great first step is looking daily to be pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Being okay that I might not like a situation, letting go of things, and not being so down on the world. Slowly I’m recognising the validity in doing things I don’t enjoy that much or wouldn’t prioritise usually.

I recognise that in myself I have bias’ and things that I will prefer, yet, that is not right to assume that as good all the time. Doing these new activities or meeting new people I see solutions to my ‘sad state’ that I’ve never would have thought of before.

Empathy and lowing one’s ego are essential qualities to have.

Being able to recognise times and moments where feelings of sadness and melancholy can be felt is good but it is the overindulging which is dangerous.

Knowing that other people’s opinions are valid and the criticisms can be constructive in drawing out this destructive behaviour.

I think I personally get myself in a flurry as I believe nobody really wants to cope with my mess. My problems are heavy and the sadness seems ever looming so why would I want to upset someone.

Yet, more and more I recognise this opening up of my emotions to be a unitive action, and more often than not it draws people together. You are sharing your current states, melancholy or not, then through group vulnerability enable each other to move out of that.

The facade and mask of ‘I’m okay’, enables the undercurrent of one emotion. Your inner demons and head justify it. You don’t know any better, you don’t think you deserve better, you remain stagnant.

The constant continuation to question, ‘what is the root cause of this?’, trying to get different views on it, and pushing the boundaries of what your norm is will shuffle about the melancholy to be at the very least a less frequent emotion.

I’ve found the more open I am with; leaning into the root causes, I broaden my perspective and ability to access gratitude. But it definitely doesn’t come easy.

Ultimately feeling an emotion is never a bad thing. If anything it’s an indicator of how you function and your wiring to certain occurrences in your life.

When we have these moments, positive or negative, we are just given a choice: Do we simply reside stagnant and safe in the emotion or go headstrong into the why. It’s hard but puts us in better standing for all future situations we find ourselves in.

Let me know if any of this relates to you, I’d love to talk to you about it. I wish you all the best with your mental clarity.

12. Conscious vs unconscious entertainment

It’s good to rest and recover every so often. Having a break from work and the stress of life is necessary for us to function without experiencing major burnout or breakdowns.

However, I think we have been fed a myth about how and what we take rest with.

Most people find themselves overindulging in time on phones, Netflix, and Youtube videos once they’ve finished some hard work. I mean it makes sense, you hear everyone talking about a new show so you watch it.

I mean what is wrong with just watching some random TV show after work?

A whole lot.

Granted it is very easy to justify this as you are ‘meant’ to have a break and rest. It scientifically is good for us. But listen to this sentence:

“Oh, I’ve worked 8 hours so I have to go on my phone”.

That sounds so stupid right.

Your engaging in an activity, not out of enjoyment, but simply because you deserve it? That’s odd right.

Think about your life. Eyes glued to the TV or games console or whatever you do to rest, are you actually engaged, happy, and smiling… probably not.

Don’t get me wrong I think we should rest, however, I just find the whole phone and video game entertainment quite unhelpful.

Recently, I found myself in a week of working extremely hard but then consequently going on my phone for extended periods. This wasn’t good for me or anyone.

I was going from a very happy content place being proud of the work I’d achieved to then my mood plummeting to a very harsh low with all the dopamine and negative stuff on the internet.

In addition to this, ‘small breaks’ became ‘day-long breaks’ as once I began my rest for the day I found it very hard to be productive again.

There had to be a different approach.

I then watched this video about the ways we consume content and the habits we have. It touched upon the idea that we are often told that it’s okay to consume lots of media and chill out by simply sitting in front of a screen.

There are two types of entertainment:

• Unconscious entertainment- we simply consume the content, we maybe have a quick laugh but after the entertainment is over we have nothing to gain. This could be a reality TV show, gaming or just watching endless Tik Toks.

• Conscious entertainment- you are engaging with the content. You have takeaways from the entertainment and it’s contributing to your betterment. This could be learning a skill, reading, watching a Documentary/ Educational video.

The sad reality is that we have gotten used to unconscious entertainment being the norm as we get told so much that it is ‘fun’. Yet, when we look back on our days there’s nothing fun about spending 20 hours completing a series.

We have to start training ourselves that other, more productive, activities can be equally if not more fun.

And don’t get me wrong if you genuinely enjoy something, like movie watching, and that is a real passion you should pursue it. That to me is a great indicator of some of your unique talents; so engage with it. This message is just for those times when we simply meander and waste our time doing these more unconscious entertainments simply because we feel they have to.

I am definitely guilty of time-wasting so a practical thing I do is instead of stopping entertainment I switch the more unconscious ones to conscious ones to get into good routines:

• Instead of reaching for your phone, you reach for a book.

• Instead of watching a TV series, you watch a Ted Talk.

• Instead of leveling up in a video game, you level up at a skill in real life.

The consequence will be that you are actually happier and more productive in not only your work life but your personal and social life too. All conscious entertainments provide betterment to your life in some way or another, so why wouldn’t you give them a try?

11. Contentionem repetitionis

poem about the strain of repetition

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Sameness, mundane, repetitive.

I wake up and sit at my desk,

should I get another coffee?

No, no, remember, too much caffeine is bad for you.

Why am I here,

people always said I was talented

Maybe they were just trying to be nice.

If the world doesn’t function on money,

why do people do jobs they hate?

Oh but I do like my new car.

I remember being asked what I wanted to do when I was younger,

I wanted to be in a band.

Haha aw, dreams eh.

At least I’m not alone,

Martin told me his job isn’t going so well.

I’ve just got to do my best where I am.

People are lying when they say they like their work,

I mean I’ve got to be grateful as some people don’t even have jobs,

who knows maybe I’ll start that business one day?

I gotta finish catching up with ‘Squid Game’ first though.