22. Time moves on

I saw some of my high school teachers the other day and it was kind of a surreal experience. Seeing people who were, for a certain period of my life, a big deal. These were people who dictated a lot of my happiness and stress for a good few years.

I went over to them and started up a conversation; I don't know why, I was just interested to see their response, whether they remembered me, and how they were.

To be honest it was very anti-climactic.

At first, they barely recognised me. To be faired I'd gotten glasses, a moustache and an even weirder hairstyle since. I can't blame them. But after a few awkward looks, we got into a conversation. All the normal things were brought up-

'oh how are you doing?', 'what are you getting up to?', 'how's the family?'.

Ultimately quite a mundane conversation.

One thing that I got from the conversation was a big highlight of just how quickly time passes but also how it is so slow at the same time.

My teachers remembered me but ultimately they were part of a completely separate part of my life which is foreign and historic to me now. I'd gotten older, they'd gotten older. I'd moved on and yet they remained there.

Time moves on but I guess you have to choose where you want to reside in that time.

It's crazy to think about because time never stops. I'm not the person I was 5 minutes ago, hence why intentionality is so important. You are using your finite resource up on whatever your present focus is.

To my teachers, that meant staying where they were, however, for me I couldn't wait to get out of school.

I was also thinking about how when I was in school everything did feel like a big deal. I thought that exams were the be all and end all and the world was going to end with small school squabbles.

Seeing my teachers reminded me that I just need to take a step back.

What often feels momentous is merely a blip in the grand scheme of things. I've moved away from the notion that moments define us but rather it is our lived experience and continuous choices that sculpt us.

Going about with more of this mindset I am trying to learn to be grateful for the things I encounter. Good or bad, they are fleeting, they won't last long, nor do I know how much time I have left. I need to recognise the lessons to be learnt in them and how they will help prepare me for the future.

This is easier said than done- currently lived moments are hard to look beyond, especially if you don't have the best view of yourself.

I've found speaking to mates and hearing the truth spoken to me about myself is so helpful. Knowing that I have been through similar situations before or just getting out my own head and realise this is all temporary.

The temptation I personally find is to stay idle in my woes.

Some periods in life are so fast but other moments call for you to be stationary where you are. Saving money for that new house, completing your studies, waiting for corona to end.

Yet, there is a difference between idle waiting and active waiting.

Fully recognising the idea that we have a short life and time moves on is a heck of a motivator. Sometimes the extra time in the stillness is required for you to actively prepare your heart for when an opportunity does arrive.

Similarly, when we are in situations we don't like, don't have to be, nor is it serving a bigger purpose to help us- it's worth considering other options.

It's easy to get comfortable with saying, 'I don't have any other options'

90% of the time you do have choices, it's just that change can be uncomfortable.

Remember there is pain both ways; "The pain of staying where you are vs the pain of change".

Time moves on, make the most of it.

21. Why surface level chats are necessary

Are you like me and you prefer deep talks?

Just going straight to the point and getting to the good stuff?

Well, that’s not easy for everyone.

You sometimes find that these sort of people need to do some kind of service level chit chat beforehand to get comfortable with you.

But surely a riveting conversation will appeal to anyone?

Not necessarily as they won’t trust you.

Small Talk essentially is the bridge between you again to the deep stuff.

You can be the most intellectual deep talking person in the entire world. But if you don’t have empathy, you’re never going to be able to converse with others, get ideas from others or even get to divulge deep topics with others.

So, what do you do? You practice. Practice, practice, practice.

In reality, this is quite easy to do but it may not be fun. You can be simply going to a social gathering and pushing yourself to talk more.

You see some lads you’ve not seen before talking about the game, you join in. Going to church you listen to the inevitable chatting about people’s work weeks or even talk more to your colleagues, however annoying they are.

You realise more and more it is somewhat of an art form.

I am increasingly pushing myself to try this even when I don’t necessarily even like the person that I’m talking to.

Things I’ve found helpful are just to be socially clued in with a few things. Big political stories, sports events, music, tv shows. These all are very easy surface-level items you can basically bring into any social circle.

Alternatively to be smiley and nod, laugh, and listen when everyone else is making people think they are being listened to.

And guess what?

You will be liked more as you are enduring something for someone elses benefit.

But you don’t want to be a pushover, only indulging in conversation the other person wants to talk about.

Here is where small talk can again actually be quite useful.

It can be an anchor for you to develop your further conversations.

Take for example, you have an initial conversation with someone.

In that small talk, you’re talking about somebody’s week.

You’re talking about what they got up to and find out they are into reading. This is then a jump-pad moment for you to start a deeper conversation about what their passions are within reading, culture, and lots of other interesting topics.

The biggest learning lesson I have found in being good in conversation making is to keep asking questions specifically tailored to the person in front of you and the information you have available.

Additionally, you can then also initiate separate conversations. Because another thing that I often find with small talk it’s most commonplace within bigger social gatherings and more group settings.

Being able to use more talk within those, but then be able to decipher and work out when and how to separate yourself from the situations.

So, like I said, with the anchor point, you can listen to areas of interest you have and capitalise on it.

So for the reading example why don’t you then invite someone to a bookshop and then have a chat there- this is a much more appropriate setting.

Externally the setting is a better catalyst for deeper topics, and you’re going to find it much easier that way compared to a bustling group dynamic.

I think we tend to blame ourselves for not having good conversations or events not working out the way we planned.

Certain external contexts are only going to be conducive to one sort of thing. So when you’re in a bar, and it’s very loud music, yeah, you are barely going to have any time to the with other people, and if so it’s not going to be some existential origin in the universe stuff- although I have done it before but it wasn’t very fun.

Moving forward I’m working on being more grateful for these converations and how I can utilise these situations to be better at my communication skills. Taking learnings from there I will then be able to do so much better in getting people into a context by which I thrive in- the deep stuff.

So yeah, I’ve definitely changed my perception of how I view small talks.

I will always be preferring the deeper chalks, but I recognise the validity within surface level stuff.

I encourage you to do the same.

20. Why you have to be a monster

well sort of.

Today I was ice skating with some friends and it was really interesting seeing the people who were the best at it. Those who were tentative, nervous, and waddling about didn’t do so well- they simply couldn’t move anywhere (or at least without any speed). However, the opposite end of this included people who went way too quick, cocky and ended up landing upon their ass (can’t lie that was me).

The best people were actually those who had confidence within their movement, very strong, unwavering movement but controlled- not sporadic and frenzied.

It was in this balance of being relentlessly confident yet, having control which is an interesting dynamic.

There’s this Chinese proverb that goes as follows:

“It is better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in war”

The meaning I take from this is that you need the confidence to be prepared for anything. Almost to the extreme that you are almost too focused and believing in yourself and the challenges you have laid out for yourself. This then enables you to have the belief, the warrior-like strength, to take anything on or react with calm to anything.

“You should be a monster. An absolute monster. And then you should learn how to control it.” — Jordan B. Peterson

The problem with this mentality is that it is hard.

You have to be able to have a hard look at yourself and see where you are being too over the top, you have to be open to criticism yet firm in your own beliefs, changeable yet unchangeable.

I’ve often found in my life, I’ve increasingly been encouraged to be timid, agreeable, and emotional.

In and of themselves those things are great but too much of them is counterproductive, especially when wanting to progress and go after things not attainable without hard work and dedication.

Like the ice skating analogy, the overthinking didn’t get you anywhere.

It was the boldness that brought about movement but the calmness which brought the professionalism.

Sure you can be this ‘nicer person’ and that works for nice situations, but when moving to any external force stressful that won’t be the case.

Going to the extreme which can handle most if not all situations- the monster- then learning how to control it for specialised situations is a much better way to go in my opinion.

It’s easier to refine than to muster up the courage.

Ultimately, you’ll have a leaning one way or the other.

Too much confidence, or too little.

Too little- you are probably ignoring areas of your life where you are talented and don’t fully grasp how unique and brilliant you are.

Too much- you are probably looking down on others because you think you are better than everyone else.

I personally always found myself with too little confidence/self-belief. I believed the notion that you always have to be humble- but I took it too far.

Nowadays I actually listen when people speak well over me, I will be selective in my close friends and speak out my values and core beliefs- constantly reminding myself. Sometimes I don’t have time for negativity in my life- I care too much about the mission and the good things I can do for myself and others if I focus. I can’t be ‘Mr nice guy’ in that though.

But you will inevitably be less 'popular' if that's your mindset.

It's priorities at the end of the day.

Do you want to be a monster in your focus, so intentional with your mission, so dedicated to your craft? Or just 'go with the flow'.

I hope you make the right decision.

"Normality is a paved road. It is easy to walk but no flowers grow on it." - Vincent Van Gogh